John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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