There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize