I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
