Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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