1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
