I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
