What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
