I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
