You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
