well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
