TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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