she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
