the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
