eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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