he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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