you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
