A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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