Just fell off a train. Bad.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
