I seem to have left my pride at pride
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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