Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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