i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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