in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
