eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
50% drunk capacity currently
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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