I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
