did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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