I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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