You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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