8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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