what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
