this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
