I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
