I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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