I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
