Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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