Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
