The maid of honor just puked.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Success! We fucked roommates!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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