my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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