i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Someone signed my nipple.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize