I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
