Your dad touched me again.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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