i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
