I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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