I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
