So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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