I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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