I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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