Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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