Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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