he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Four minutes until I can fart!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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