I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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