he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Randomize
