The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
