Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
