i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
