Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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