True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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