I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
