Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
