the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The adults are the big ones right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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